It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
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And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
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It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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