There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We are two peas in an std pod
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
