Jerry, you need to find god
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
