I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
