Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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