she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
