oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
