My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
