I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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