Just fell off a train. Bad.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
