I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
