party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had to cum in my sink.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
