so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
