Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
