dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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