you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
