How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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