You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
