She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
