Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
