I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
