I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im holly from the hills drunk
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
