Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
