I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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