i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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