sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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