i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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