Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
