A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
