My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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