Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
