Your face is a jimmy john
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
