I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
