Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
