He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can't turn off my feet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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