well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
