My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
