why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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