What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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