We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Randomize
