He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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