It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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