I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
