Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You're like the curious george of whores
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
