my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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