The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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