i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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