I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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