Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
