apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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