When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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