Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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